On the wave of discussions of sexual abuse of maturing girls, I want to share some of my thoughts. I see two tendencies here, claiming that they're basically adults if they go through puberty and have sexual interests, and recognizing their young age while trying to deny them growth and development. I'm extremely wary of both.
I don't think I need to explain you what's wrong with the first one. A 10, 13 year old girl who wants to wear make up, color coordinate her clothes is not an adult woman, she can't consent to sexual behavior with grown ups, and her first attempts to find her style and look pretty shouldn't be used to justify abusing her. But I don't think it's ok when caretakers hinder girls' self expression as a means of protection. Girls who want to feel attractive and model their appearance themselves absolutely deserve the right to. Bleaching hair, applying bright lipstick, choosing better fitting and more revealing clothes is not sinister. Disclaimer – I know that when fashion forces girls to do it, it's bad! But when parents shame them and destroy their clothes, it's even worse, it doesn't help them deal with the pressure, it only makes them feel like they'll never be good enough. The key to making sure your daughter will be an independent thinker and won't try to conform to all social norms is friendship and dialogue, not restrictions. If you're afraid she'll voluntarily engage in risky sexual behavior, again, just talk about it. And remember that beautiful and eye catching style for a girl or a woman of any age is mostly to impress other girls and women, not attract sexual attention from men.
But if you're out of touch with your child so badly that you mistake her attempts at displaying maturity for signs of promiscuity, making her look unattractive won't prevent her from trouble, she's already in trouble, because she has a parent like this, and she'll instinctively look for more trouble, because you taught her that controlling figures in her life are the norm. Don't abuse your daughter to save her from other kinds of abuse.
This post is about (cis) girls, but I know that boys are just as much in danger. I'll make a separate post about how parents can fail to protect their sons from CSA too later, boys deal with a different type of issues, that deserve to be mentioned as well.
Comments